A Writer's World

 

 

It’s amazing how much people can change over the course of a semester.

 

At the end of sophomore year, I decided to apply for the writing minor as a desperate attempt to start over and really learn how to write. In the past, I always thought that writing was an innate gift designated for the select few. The kids who were good at writing were always such naturals at it. Their writing would make me so jealous because it seemed like amazing prose just came out of their mouths and pencils with ease. I felt like a hopeless Salieri in front of a bunch of Mozarts. Before I knew it, my pessimistic attitude about writing spread into my confidence. I kept telling myself that I was subpar in comparison and that I was just not meant to be a good writer.

 

This was mentality was horrible for my writing process as well as my work. The negative voices in my head grew louder the more I tried to write. They would always keep me from taking risks and trying out new ideas or even finishing projects. There was always this giant wall of cement (in my imagination) that kept me from moving forward. This increased my pessimistic attitude, and I began to get passive and apathetic instead. I pretended that I didn’t care at all. In previous college classes, I would write my essays the night before they were due and turn them in. I didn’t care about whether or not they were of good quality. All that mattered was that I produced something, and that I got a good grade for it. People started telling me that my writing sounded kind of awkward and broad. Instead of taking that criticism and turning it into motivation to improve, it became something that I defined myself with. I was that one girl whose writing was just always awkward. I felt like a performer who wanted to perform even greater acts, but was too afraid to take risks. At some point, the voices in my head prevented me from even stepping out of my comfort circle. I was not a true writer in my head. I had a contorted view of who I was as a writer.

 

 

 

And then this class happened. I shyly told everyone that I was a noob at writing, and that I just wasn’t very good at it, but at least the hope was there. I was afraid that this class would be like every other class, where the good students made me feel hopeless about writing. But instead, it gave me freedom. Because of the gamification grading style, I didn’t have to worry about my writing being judged in one go. I could try out new ideas, write with my own voice, go crazy if I wanted to, and it was all okay as long as it was in writing. I didn’t have to worry about my grade because in this class, writing a paper wasn’t just a one-time thing. It was continuous. It was a process.

 

The readings and paper assignments that we read slowly began to reconstruct my idea of what it meant to be a real writer. In Anne Lamott’s “Shitty First Drafts”, I learned that everyone’s first drafts are horrible, and that writing a “shitty” first draft is a completely normal process for everyone to go through. My re-purposing and re-mediation papers taught me that an idea is malleable. It can be shaped, transformed and remolded into something new and just as interesting as it’s precedent. As my papers developed, I started seeing the revision process as less of a pain and more as an exciting journey of transformation. Kind of like watching a butterfly come out of its cocoon. In the beginning, it looks really ugly. But as the months go by, little by little it starts to come out, until it becomes a beautiful butterfly. And while that sounds really corny, it reflects how my attitude on the writing process has changed from being apathetic to being engaged and excited.

 

This change in my mentality helped me in my thought process as well. Before, I used to write the way a person would barf. Which is graphic, but I would literally write the first thing that popped into my head, without even considering what the reasoning was for writing it. Then in class, I learned about sketch drafts, storyboards, and asking yourself the question “what are you really trying to say?” I thought all of these things were just busy work, but once I tried incorporating them into my writing process, I found that I could write more clearly. Now it’s hard for me to write without planning a small sketch draft to figure out my main points. It has helped a lot especially with my academic writing for other classes.

 

But I guess what helped me the most was the interactive aspect of writing that came through new media assignments and peer/professor feedback. I was always afraid of allowing people to read my writing for fear of harsh criticism or judgment. Plus my previous experience with peers reading my work weren’t great. None of them actually seemed to care about my writing or even their own writing. They would all mindlessly agree with any idea I threw at them, without actually considering what I was saying. But in this class, being able to communicate through the blog as well as having peer/professor revision time immensely helped in shaping my writing process. For the first time, I came across the concept of interacting with my ideas through other people. It was wonderful to be able to throw back ideas and concerns about my writing and have people actually care about how to improve my writing instead of focusing on the grammar. This process made me realize that to improve, I had to constantly receive feedback in order to learn more about my areas of weakness. My fear of judgment and bad experiences with peers kept me far away from showing people my writing. But in this class, I loved hearing people encourage my writing ideas and skills while offering me new ideas and ways to improve. Class was never about showcasing how great the other writers were. Instead, it was a time where we all got together and tried to figure out how to improve our writing. It’s what really changed my opinion on writing and has opened me up to showing my writing to people a lot more.

 

This friendly and open environment was first introduced to me through our blog posts. Blog posts were something that I’ve done in the past, and they were what I was least excited about. I didn’t like writing blog posts just because it felt like I was talking to air. One time when I wrote blog posts for a class, everyone’s responses felt so forced and fake. It was because we had to discuss literature, which put pressure on everyone to try to sound educated. But it ultimately that got in the way of making our responses natural and real. But with the writing in minor blog, it really helped by slowly easing me up to showing my writing to others. The first blog post I wrote for this class was unnerving. I had to read over my post three times just to make sure that I wasn’t saying anything stupid. And even after I posted, I was afraid of receiving my first response. When a response came, I was surprised to see that the person responding was engaged in my text, and was dialoging with me by offering their thoughts as to what I was saying. This collaborative nature of writing really intrigued me, and it got me excited to write again.

 

Using new media to talk about writing was something new. I think when you determine a paper’s quality by a simple grade, it makes people forget about the responsive, collaborative nature of writing, and how it’s more of a process and less of a one-time judgment. The casual atmosphere of writing in new media helped to open me up to sharing and reading other people’s feedback. And by adding images to what I was writing, I could communicate my writing in more dynamic ways. This is why I really loved doing my re-purposing paper. I was so tired of writing five paragraph essays, but my re-purposing allowed me to create a blog post that used videos, images, and different colored font. It reinforced the idea that writing was a creative, fluid process that allowed a writer to mold their writing to fit an audience. It helped me to understand that writing styles weren’t fixed things, but were always evolving. My preconceived notion of writing being an innate skill slowly faded away, and I began to see hope for how I could improve. Writing in new media was the key component to helping me realize that. When you’re writing for a class blog, everyone is striving to improve their own writing, and it makes for a safe, casual atmosphere. And this blog was filled with a real, vibrant community of writers who responded sincerely. Over the course of this semester, it changed my perception of writing and the process of writing altogether.

 

I used to think that writing was an innate and lonely craft. But this class taught me to enjoy the process of writing because it introduced me to writing with a community where people could encourage and push each other to the next level. It taught me that a writer’s identity is never fixed. Our styles and skills are always changing; it’s a continuous process of improvement and exploration. And the best thing is that we’re all in it together, giving each other feedback and reinforcements to take the next step.

 

Looking back, I don’t think my writing has changed tremendously. But the amount of awkward sentences has been reduced. More importantly, my perception and practices of writing have changed. I’m not longer a scared and bitter Salieri, constantly comparing myself to amazing Mozarts. I’m a budding writer who has a big journey ahead of her. But I know that my identity is not, and should not be based on how well others write. A skill is always up for improvement. A person is always possible to change. All it takes is a couple of baby steps.